So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
