good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
worst night to have a conscience
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
