he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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