Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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