Banned from zoo.
Again?
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
