4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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