every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Randomize
