Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
