nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
