If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
