I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
