dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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