My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
