Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
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