shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
