I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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