So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
there is glitter all over my balls
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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