why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
