I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
