I CAN MOONWALK!
Moan for me like Helen Keller
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
