Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
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