If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
