if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
