So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
