I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
