theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Randomize
