the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
