yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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