i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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