I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
