hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
