Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
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