You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
