So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
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