This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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