I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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