I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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