i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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