I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Randomize
