I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
