I wish my penis had an off switch
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
