She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
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