Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
