DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
