I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
