I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
