I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I need to sanitize my soul.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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