Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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