Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
