She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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