Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
