if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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